Safe in His hands - or not?

I have a question.

Back in my Xtian days I was taught that once I made a choice for Jesus, he would never let me out of the palm of his hand.

If this is true, how then could he have allowed me to start asking the kind of questions that lead to my de-conversion?

Surely he knew that my questions would lead me away from the faith?

If he is so worried about my eternal soul, and if he loves me the way the Bible claims, how could he have failed me in the way he did. If the Bible is true, surely I should never have been able to de-convert. Surely I should still be in his hand? Once I started asking reasonable questions, why not a reasonable answer? Instead I received as many opinions as pastors and Christians I consulted. Not a squeak from God.

I do not understand how a loving God can sit by and watch one of his children turn away from him because his Religion/Relationship just does not make sense anymore, knowing full well that said child is heading for eternal damnation, and not intervene. I required nothing spectacular, just straight answers.

If God knew this was going to happen, and being all knowing, he must have known, why did he give me a) an enquiring mind and b) not provide the answers to the questions I so desperately needed. How does such a God punish his children for not understanding? Born into a sinful nature I did not choose, told to believe something I do not understand and then sent to Hell for all eternity because I dare to question? I suspect we have been set up for failure by an all knowing and all loving God. Or he just does not exist.

I am not sure whether there is a God of some sorts out there. I do know for sure that if there were, this God would not be bothered whether I worship him or not. I suspect some quantum type force would more be like it. Definitely not the emotionally unstable God we were conned into worshiping and feared for so long.